Nostalgia

Nostalgia...

To me this is the most beautiful English word.

Slipping into nostalgia has been my favourite pastime. And with people like Amod and Steve around who share similar instincts, I find it even more fun to cherish the bygone days.

I still clearly remember the day when I celebrated my 5th birthday. I remember the day when I was honoured with a prestigious award in the school and the expressions that my mom's face wore when my name was declared.I remember The first time I received a serious scolding from my teacher ( I was in HKG then), the first time I was asked to get out of the class ( I was in II standard). I remember the moment when I had a brush with death. I remember the fight I had with my classmate in which I was miserably thrashed. I remember all the days of my two board exams. I remember the moment when I was informed of my excellent board results. I remember the last time I and the closest of my school pals went for a movie together. The day when I unexpectedly cleared screening is strikingly clear in my mind and so is the day when I got rejected in Mains. I can even see that dreaded message on the computer screen with my eyes closed - "Sorry this roll no. does not appear in the merit list". Dreams shattered!. But I also remember The moment when I came to know that I got through DA-IICT NET - The time of the day, the cyber cafe, the people around, my seat number - 231020362, the phone call I made to my Mom - all these are still clear in my mind.So are the counselling day and the first day of the college, the clothes I wore on the first day, the person whom I sat with on the first day, my first meeting with Amod, Steve, Bhavesh, KP, Ankit, Sarath, Akshay and many others, - I remember all these as if it had been just yesterday.

Bored with studying for the exams, I am again nostalgic today. As I sit brooding about the bygone days, I realise that it has been one helluva quick jorney- From carefree childhood days to intense XII standard and JEE days to again happy-go-lucky college years to now again anxious times of CAT/ GRE and placements.Soon we shall navigate our ways through this stage also and have a brief carefree phase in our professional lives before we will be weighed down by family woes and other realities of life. But we have "Miles to go before we sleep" and as we undertake the rest of our journey and face our respective shares of ups and downs in life, we shall gather a cornucopia of memories, sweet and bitter, dreaded and cherished, pleasant and heartrending, giving us all the more reason to be nostalgic.

I love being nostalgic. But often the phases of nostalgia bring me a tinge of poignancy - which results from the realisation that the days are slipping out of my hands, that people whom I enjoy being so much together with will someday part ways with me as they have always, that however much I might be fond of something or someone, I will end up with only memories in many of the cases!

My diary

1st of April - On this day, two years ago, I took a decision to instill in me the habit of writing a daily diary.

Since then, I haven't had a day, happenings of which I haven't recorded in my diary. For the first few weeks, my diary very much resembled a log of activities done during the day. Gradually, I started to be candid with myself. I began penning down my thoughts also. It was difficult initially. You are well aware that you have done something inappropriate. But it was a weak moment when your self control ditched you and you ended up doing that "wrong" thing. YOu try to forget it. But the next day, when you pen it down, the conscience bites you. A few months later, if you happen to read that, the conscience again pinches. And thus you become more honest to yourself.

You are an introvert and you cannot discuss your tensions with others. You are faced with a problem but are in a position neither to solve it nor to discuss it with others. So you confide in yourself in your diary. You give a shoulder to yourself to shed some tears. You open up your heart in your diary and after a few minutes of opinig, you fell as light as if a close friend was by your side, listening to your woes, and letting you vent your frustration and anger.

You have done a wonderful thing and you are proud of your achievement. But you cannot go around and flaunt with braggadocio. You crave for appreciation but there is no one who is aware of your achievement. So you sing songs of your own praise in your diary.

You meet several people during the day. You discuss various things with them. The people and the discussions leave several imprints on your mind. Something about someone really touches you. Some other thing about someone else irritates you. Someone gives you an inferiority complex. Someone respects you. Some other mocks at you. Noting all these down in the diary enables you to know yourself and the people around better. You write a few positive points about someone in the diary and you suddenly feel a bit more closer to that person. You appreciate someone in your diary and your regard for him increases. You chastise someone in the diary and you remember the wrong done by him for a longer time.

There are some people who, though away from you, matter a lot to you. Not a single day passes without remembering them. You think about them but cannot talk to them or see them. So you write about them in the diary - you love them, thank them, miss them, confess to them, talk to them - all through your diary and it makes you feel as if for a moment, you were with that person and were talking to him face-to-face.

This is my diary to me. Writng about myself for last two years, I now know myself better. The one Who is writing this is not the original Vivek. True Vivek is in that diary.

But I have always wondered as to how long will I write my diary. I will definitely write it till I am working to achieve my dreams and am optimistic about my success. Because, if I ever achieve my dreams, I would love to read about the days when I struggled for them. But what if I fail and lose my optimism some day? That will be the day when my diary will be abandoned to gather dust.